AUTHOR: Ziptango DISCLAIMER: Nope they ain't mine, but I do sincerely enjoy playing with them. Yes, all typos are mine though. RATING: PG (a few naughty words, but not much) SPOILERS: nope, nada, none, zip, zero, etc. FEEDBACK: Pretty please, dumdrummer2004@hotmail.com KEYWORDS: The Lone Gunmen GENRE: Humor, and lots o' fun DESCRIPTION: The Gunmen pull an old switch-a-roo on them selves. Langly turns into Frohike, Fro into Byers, and Byers into Langly. How do they cope with each other's demented lives? NOTES: What inspired this story? To tell you the truth, I have to idea. Some weird demented ideas just come naturally for me. It's one of my first fics so go easy on me and send me lots o' compliments on it :) If your interested in for fanfic check out my site at http://www.geocities.com/lonegunfun The Ol' Switch-a-roo By Ziptango "Dude, this sucks. Why do we always end up watching Mulder's dumb butt?" "Cuz he scares other people. Who else is going to help him?" Frohike whispers to the impatient blonde. The gruffy man then glances through his binoculars to check on Mulder. The agent, only a few feet away, was under cover trying to make an illegal trade with a suspect, just so he could nail the guy's butt in the end of course. Mulder had asked them to do some fancy hacking on a few locks and to also watch his back during the trade. The three Gunmen had formally chosen a bush to hide behind during it. Frohike was straining to hear their whispering words, but gave up soon enough. Mulder swinging his arms around to emphasize whatever he was saying to the enemy while occasionally pausing to spit a sunflower seed. All seemed well so far. "What does this bad dude do again anyway? Government? Mafia? Hitman? Aallllieeennn..." Langly says wiggling his fingers and bulging his eyes out like dinner plates. Byers elbows him in the gut for his idioticness and for making so much unnecessary noise. Langly jerks away accidentally shuffling the shrub nosily. "Langly! Are you trying to get us killed?! Be quiet!" Frohike hisses. He raises his binoculars up quickly to see if the French suspect had noticed. He apparently did , Frohike assumed, since he suddenly had Mulder hostage with a knife at throat. The immigrant was searching for the cause of the noise frantically while pulling a pistol from his back pocket. Frohike and Byers flip around to glare dangers at their longhaired comrade. "You IDIOT!! We're getting out of here. You fix your own problem, buddy." Frohike says while yanking on Byers tie to leave. They pause on their escape suddenly to listen to odd noises coming from behind them.... "Mmmooooooo, mmmmmmmmoooooooo, mooo!!! They turn their heads around slightly to see Langly cow-calling. He paused his mooing only to grin at them, and to shuffle the bush again with his hands. "Mmmooo, moo, moo----" Taking another quick peek over the bush, Frohike sees Mulder and the bad man now rising up slowly in a freaky light beam into a ship. "Good God! An alien? I'm dreaming...I know...I...err..," he pinches himself when he notices his other two comrades clinging to each other freighted out of their wits at the ghostly scene. What whimps. "We have to save him!!," Frohike screams above the wind whirring and the creepy ship noises. Langly's hair was whipping around in Byers face as the two stood in shock. Frohike sighs and marches over to them prying their clenched arms off of each other. "Common!!!" Getting a nod from the delirious men, they expose themselves from the bush and sprint to the light beam. Jumping up and down, they try to snag at least a shoe from the floating agent. The French alien only grins evilly at their attempts while lowering his pistol. He laughs hysterically as a lightning beam from his hand strikes the Gunmen unconscious. What brave souls. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The following morning Frohike finally wakes up aching, "Whew. It WAS only a dream!" as he stokes his fine soft beard...wait a minute...he doesn't have a beard! Only small whiskers anyway. Nor would he be caught dead wearing a fine polyester suit. Standing up slowly he notices how unusually tall he his. But nothing prepared him for this next scene. Frohike sees Langly and...HIS body laying on the ground next to him! "NO WAY!!! I'm-I-I-I'm BYERS!!!! WHAT DID THE WEIRDO DO TO US?!?!" He screeches yet jumps at how soft his voice is, "OMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHGOSHOH...." Langly begins to wake at the commotion. He moans and sits up slowly rubbing his head, "Could you be a little more quite please?" I was having a good dream about JFK." His voice sounded oddly unsarcastic and not very Langly-like. Turning attention form his aching head, blondey turns to glance at Frohike standing in awe. Langly's eyes grow wide at the sight and passes out again. Unfortunately, Langly, in which Frohike assumed was actually Byers, fainted right on top of Frohike's REAL body. The short form bursts awake sputtering and cussing. The real Langly, Frohike presumed in HIS body. "Hey! Go sleep in you own damn bed!," he screams as he slaps a hand over his mouth. He glances down to see his...., "I don't wear vests!" he thought out loud. Langly stands and walks over to where Frohike/Byers was standing. "Where's Doo-hike man? Is this some kind of sick joke?!" The bearded man shakes his head numbly. "Byers man, are you OK? You look really pale." Frohike backs away from him pointing at the ground. Langly follows Frohike's finger and screams very girly-like, "AAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! That's MMMEEE!! What the hell?!" "No, THAT'S Byers!" Frohike says still pointing. Langly looks at him confused. Frohike rolls his eyes and pulls a mirror out of his pocket...why Byers even had a mirror there, he didn't know. He hands it to the idiot as he screams again. "I'm-I'm-I'm a FREAK!!!!" "No, you're ME." "Huh? Who's you?" "I'm SUPPOSE to be you!" "What?! I'm SSOO lost." "I'm Frohike! Melvin Frohike!" "Bu-but you're Byers! Have you lost it man?" "NO!!!!! Just shuddup! You're giving me a migraine!" Langly looks at himself in the mirror again cringing away before taking a couple more peeks. Meanwhile, Frohike paces over to Byers/Langly to wake him up again. "Byers? Yo, dude." "Hhhmm?' Byers mumbles sleepily not even opening his eyes. "Wakey, wakey! I have a suprise for ya!" "Surprise?" One eye peeks open. He immediately stands up and backs away frightened. "Get your scrawny butt back over here!" Byer's eyes grow wider as Frohike strides over next to Langly, or himself for that matter. "Look, that alien guy last night switched us somehow! You're Langly, Langly's me, and I'm you, Byers!" Byers knees begin to buckle again but the other two rush over and steady him in time. "Let's just get out of here," Langly sighs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Lone Gunmen HQ 3:00 p.m. Tuesday "I'm going to go shave, man." "Hey! You leave my beard alone!" "I can't stand it anymore! It itches! Besides it's my beard right now, punk." "I don't care! Leave...it....ALONE!! Just till we fix this....problem." "Yeeeaaahhh, and how are we gonna do that?" "I don't KNOW!" Frohike flinches as Byers smacks his (or rather Langly's) hand on a nearby desk. "Well, fine then, I'm going to go change at least." "Fine!" "Fine!" "Ooo, that's sounds like a good idea," Langly mentions tugging at the vest uncomfortably. All three of the Gunmen rush to their (real) rooms to put on some more comfy clothing. We all know this can only come out as a disaster. Langly/Frohike emerges first shyly. "Frohike, man, lose some weight!" He says shouts through Fro's door while looking down. He had put on his favorite Ramones T-shirt, which in fact, did not cover Frohike's potbelly. Nor did the jeans button up, and the sneakers were just a wee bit to big. But before he could rush away in embarrassment. Byers/Langly steps out causing Langly's mouth to drop in shock. Byers had chosen a regular suit and tie, which fit well over Langly's body. Although it was a bit short at the ankles. "Uummm, could I...errr...borrow a pony tail scrunchy?" Byers says turning a shade of red. Atleast that part of him hasn't changed. "Uuhh, yeah sure," Langly states while walking funnily back to his room, trying to pick his major wedgy. Frohike pops out at that moment; Byers gawks at him disgusted. He had plaid Byer's body in all leather, very short at the ankles (almost to his knees), and a huge fuzzy vest gapping over his shoulders. "Aackkk! What did you DO to me?!" Frohike only manages a chuckle, "I thought I'd be dead and rotted before I ever saw Langly in a suit." More uncontrollable snickers. Just then Langly returns, handing a rubber band to Byers. "HEY!!" "Well, what do you think of your hot beer-gut now?" Langly says patting his belly proudly. "That's NOT funny." He glares as both Langly and Byers crack up laughing. "Ahem," Frohike grins evilly and stokes his smooth face. "You SHAVED!! You-you- ASSHOLE!!!" Frohike cringes. Byers is obviously pissed to be swearing but it didn't sound that odd coming from Langly's mouth. He just wondered why Byers hadn't noticed his rebellion act earlier. He didn't, however, see the usually calm Byers start swinging. Fro ducks giggling. "Miss me, miss me! Now you gotta kiss m--" "KISS THIS!!!!" *SMACK* "Byers man! Calm down!" Langly chips in. Byers only glares at him evilly. "Watch it bud, I could go get a haircut you know." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you do that and you'll get a decent punch yourself!" During their argument they finally noticed Frohike conked out on the floor with a bloody nose and lip. "Good job, punk! You broke your own nose!" *sigh* "Let's get him to the hospital AFTER we change. I can't be seen in public like THAT!" he says pointing to Frohike. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ TerryView Hospital 5:00 p.m. "You're going to be fine Mr. Byers. Nothing broken luckily." Frohike touches his (or better said Byers) swelled up face. He had no idea Byers could punch that hard, or maybe it was Langly's body that helped, whatever it was he didn't plan on trying it out again. "Thanks Dr. Schmit, later (although he prayed there would be no later)." "Goodbye John." He also wondered how long they would have to fake each other's names. He walks out into the hallway to meet the other switched Gunmen. "You ok?" Langly says softly. "Look, I'm sorry. But you did deserve it. You'll grow it back right?" Byers says back turned with his arms crossed frankly. "Maybe when I feel better." "Whatever. Anyway, we have to figure out how to get out of this mess. Scully's probably freaking out. I should think that that guy still has Mulder." "Oh man! I forgot! Let's drive over to her place and tell her before she has a hernia!" Frohike says getting more excited to see his long loved crush. "Wait, dude. Do we tell her the truth-truth or do we have to pretend to be each other again?" Langly says. "This is a little far fetched. She has enough to worry about with her baby," nods Frohike. "Yeah but maybe she can help. Either way, we have to tell her about Mulder." "Look, unless Scully has some unearthly magical powers to turn us back, I doubt she'll be able to help us. She has enough on her mind. Let's just fake it, explain Mulder's situation, and vamoose to figure something else out." "Good thinkin'," Frohike and Byers says in sync to Langly's suggestion *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Scully's Apartment :::Knock, knock:::: "Who is it?!" Scully's voice rings out through her front door. "Uhh, it's us, the Lone Gunmen!" Frohike shouts back still frustrated at how soft Byer's voice was. "Oh. Come on in! I'll be there in a second!" Langly grips the doorknob and allows the door to squeak open by its self. The odd trio shuffles in nervously, and sits on the neat couches nearby. Finally, the lovely agent joins them after, apparently, just emerging from an afternoon shower. Frohike's jaw drops agape at his love in a silk, flowery robe and a pink towel twisted in her damp, red hair. What do you guys--Byers? D-did you shave?" "Uhhh, yeah...yeah...I did. I...uuuhhh... I've been thinking about joining the army. You know their dumb haircut rules.Hehe." Frohike grins pathetically at his rather poor excuse. Scully's eyebrows shoot up suspiciously, but she eventually takes the cheese. "Oh, I see. I think." She remarks while silently wondering how long Byers would actually last in the army, but she has learned well how unpredictable these Gunmen were," Well, anyway, what do you guys want?" She takes a seat next to Frohike, whom she thinks is Byers, and tries not to stare at his bare face. "Uhh, it's about Mulder, Scully" Byers jumps at how loud Langly's nasal voice broadcasted as he made his statement. The agent immediately jolts to the edge of her seat. "Where is he? Is he okay? Why didn't you tell me earlier? I should have known you guys were up to something with him!" "Whoa, easier there babe." Frohike tries to calm her, but only manages more shock from her. "What?! What is wrong with you guys?!?! Byers shaves and suddenly says 'babe', Langly has said a total of four words since arriving, and Frohike is wearing a Ramones T-shirt under his vest!!!" Langly peers down quickly at his clothes and realizes he hadn't taken his shirt off when changing back into Frohike's disgusting wardrobe. Luckily the vest covered his beer-gut. Langly looks back up sharply with a cheesy grin. "And Byers, if you scoot ANY closer to me, I swear I'll punch you into next week!!!" Frohike jerks away flabbergasted, also removing his arm witch had disobediently wrapped around her neck slowly. He just couldn't help himself. So he wanted to be closer to his crush, not every women gets a fair dip of Frohike's action. Well, almost. "Look Scully, uuuhhh, we're not exactly....ourselves...today." Byers says slowly glaring at Frohike. "Yeah...literally...OW!" Byers elbows Langly next to him. Getting a nod from Frohike, Byers begins to tell their story about last night. "Okay, Mulder called us up the other evening to get help with a cover up operation. He wanted us to open some security locks, and cover his back while he made a negotiation trade with an illegal French immigrant who had reported some odd stuff going on in France. It sounded easy enough and he said he'd buy us each a new mouse pad if we helped him out." "Wait, wait. A mouse pad?" "No, no not a mouse pad...THE mouse pad." Langly shines. "Yeah, our own new mouse pads with 'The Lone Gunmen' personally printed on it and our names too. "Yup, made of the finest polyester and rubber cut into a perfect square." All three of them fall into a daze dreaming about their desired treasure. Frohike didn't mention how Mulder said he'd also stick a gorgeous picture of Scully half nude next to his name. He only giggled at the thought. Scully only shakes her head. These men only got weirder every time she met them. Byers finishes the tale dramatically, acting some parts of it out and putting extra emphasis on the really weird parts (and there happened to be few of those). "So let me get this straight... you're in Langly's body, Frohike is in yours, and Langly is in Frohike's while Mulder is missing in a space ship?" she shakes her head doubtfully," I'm afraid you guys have finally lost it." She begins to guide the trio to the door. "Wait! WAIT! We'll prove it!! Uuuuhhh...Langly can do the splits, right? So...." Frohike points at Langly. Langly nods frantically, and then stretches his legs far and slowly glides the floor. His face begins to wrinkle in pain. Bad plan. They forgot how inflexible and out of shape Frohike's body was. Then all eyes grow wide as they hear Langly's black jeans rip in the butt-crack area. He jerks back up into standing rubbing his throbbing legs, and twisting his torso around to see the huge rip. Of course, Frohike had chosen to wear his favorite kisses and hearts boxers before the switching incident. Scully was now ferious and began shove them out violently. "Wait Scully PLEASE!!! You HAVE to believe us!!! Wait, do you remember when you sang me your favorite song, and you had never told anybody else about it?" Byers sputters frantically while being crushed in the door. "Sure I think about you now and then---Oooff but its been a long long time----Oooff I've got a good life now, I've moved on So when you cross my mind I try not to think about what might have been--Ooofff cuz that was then and we have taken different roads--Ooofff we can't go back again there's no use giving in and there's no way to know what might have been." "Remember? You sang it to me when Mulder was missing. You promised me, Byers, not to tell anybody in the bar that night." Byers gasps out of breath from singing and getting the door slammed repeatedly on his chest. Scully had stopped and let them back into her apartment flabbergasted. Now she believed them. They spent the rest of the night discussing their problem, but they had arrived to no solution accept to return to the forest and comb the area for any clues tomorrow. They were all exhausted and had forgotten about Jimmy returning home that night from a visit with his friend. "Oh man, Jimmy's too dumb to pick up on this." "It will defiantly be a challenge trying to explain this to him AND Yves." "Well, let’s do that tomorrow. I think Scully broke one of your ribs, Langly, in that door." Byers flinched as he rubbed his sore chest. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Tuesday, the next morning Frohike was glad to sleep in his own bed, rather than Langly’s garbage pit. He just has to sneak out early before Jimmy wakes, so he wouldn’t suspect anything. The lug also came home late anyway, so he hadn’t had the chance to talk to the three luckily. Frohike arms were resting behind his head as he starred at the ceiling. He normally couldn’t sleep when difficult things came up like this. Not to mention Langly’s snoring didn’t helped any. He wondered if he actually snored, of if that was just Langly’s trait adding to his body. Suddenly, he heard a small tap on his door. “Yeah?” he says in the blackness. The door opens ajar as Byers slips in quietly. “Ow!” Frohike hears and his friend trips around the messy room in the dark, “Ouch! Frohike, I think your room needs a little fixi…ick..I think I just stepped in some pizza.” “Oh, sorry. What do you need?” “Frohike, I’m scared. What if I end up as Langly forever? And you as me….and he as you? We’d have to get new drivers licenses, ID’s, and…and…everything!” Byers says sliding onto the edge of Frohike’s bed. “Well, we’re hackers…we can do that kind of stuff easily, ya know.” “Easily? You know how much trouble we had giving Suzanne a new identity like that. People will get suspicous. It’s dangerous.” “You’re such a worry bug. Everything will come out fine, I promise.” “How can you be sure though? I mean…Suzanne’s still out there some where fighting them off.” “Byers, you have to get over her. There’s other fish in the sea, it just takes time to find your mermaid. Besides, we have bigger fish to fry anyway.” “Yeah, I know. I can’t stop thinking about her. If I’m like this forever, I know I’ll never see her again. She’ll think I’m crazy.” “Well, you are a little fruity” Fro grins giving Byers a noogy, “Not to mention a neat-freak.” Byers chuckles and trys to get out of Frohike’s headlock. He was a little surprised at his friend’s sudden playfulness. “Frohike, whatever happens, I’m glad you’re here with me. I wouldn’t pick anybody else to switch bodies with than you and Langly….it’s just kinda interesting that the switching bodies part really happened. I still can’t believe it. I want to chop my hair off so bad!” “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Fro says still rubbing his sore face, “I promise I won’t shave at all this week.” “Well, that doesn’t make me feel much better. Well, thanks for talking. We have to switch rooms soon. It’s about 8:00 now.” “Right.” Frohike heaves himself out of bed and the two stumble in the dark towards the door.” “Oh, watch that pizza over there…if it is pizza anyway.” “Yeah, remind me to pick that up later.” They wake up Langly and switched to their different rooms. They all fell asleep soon when Jimmy awakes. Around 3:30 in the afternoon the three Gunmen finally wake up to a cold breakfast. “Hey guys! Oh man! You guys slept like rocks! I made breakfast for you but you slept FOREVER! Did you, like, come in late or something?” “Uuhh, yeah, just had a rough night.” “Aaww, anything I can do to help?” “Yeah, jump in a box and mail yourself to Algeria, you dope.” “Do you really think the mailman could handle my weight? What if I suffercated in the box?” “Then we cheer for joy.” “Now Frohike. That’s not very nice. You guys are just grumpy this morning, I bet pancakes could fix that right up!” He says happily shoving the plates in their faces. They accepted eventually and sat down eating quietly. Jimmy grinned at them from the other side of the table waiting for their compliments of his cooking. “Weeelll?” “Uuhh, it’s good Jimmy…and cold.” Byers states. “That’s your guys’ faults, you silly sleepyheads.” “Yeah, well, I’m done.” Byers says staring at his full dish. He then stands up and washes his dishes after scraping the leftovers into the garbage. “Yup.” Frohike and Langly also stand up and leave their full plates on the table for Byers to collect.” “Wait a minute. Something’s up with you guys. What are you hiding?” “Hiding?” Byers asks. “Yeah, you guys, like, eat EVERYTHING on your plates, you never sleep in, Langly does NOT do dishes, and Byers didn’t even stop to drop his dish in the sink. Something is up. I wanna know.” “So you do have a brain, Jimmy!” Frohike smirks having just walked into the room. “See! Byers would NEVER say such a thing as that!?!?” Jimmy gawkes at Frohike.” “Yes it’s true Jimmy, we are hiding something. You see, I’m he, he’s me, he’s him.” “Huh?” “We’ve kinda switch bodies after having an accident with an alien.” “Ha ha. That’s very funny. Now what are you REALLY hiding? Not even I will fall for that one.” “It’s true, you ninny!” “Oh man! NO WAY!” The Gunmen were rather surprised at how fast Jimmy took the cheese, but the just shrugged it off as the “Jimmy way”. “Yes way.” “Awesome! I’m gonna go call Yves!” “No no! Please don’t! We need a day off from all of this explaining.” Jimmy sets the phone back on the hook looking dejected. “Oh come on. Don’t deny the world!” “The world’s gonna deny us if we even say a peep, you moron.” “So how are you gonna fix it?” The three sigh and walk away not answering Jimmy’s question. They fall into a depression for the rest of the day. Byers goes in to help Frohike clean his room and Langly watches the Simpsons marathon all day long. Jimmy observes them all night becoming more and more concerned. Finally, he picked up the phone and called Yves. He was lucky to catch her at home. He didn’t mention anything about the situation, and just asked her to come over. Suddenly the door bell rings, and the three Gunmen rush to the door frantically. Their stomach lurch into their throats as they see Yves on the camera screen. “Jimmy, your dead.” Fro says while unlocking the eight locks slowly. He sighs, glances and Langly and Byers, and then opens the door to face the all-powerful Yves Adele Harlow. More Coming Soon ;) Send feed back to dumdrummer2004@hotmail.com (you know you want to)