AUTHOR: Ziptango URL: www.geocities.com/lonegunfun DATE: July 14, 2001 RATED: PG (just brace against a few naughty words) FEEDBACK: pretty please, ziptango@hotmail.com KEYWORDS: LGM SPOILERS: very little of: "Bond, Jimmy Bond" & "Unusual Suspects" SUMMARY: The Lone Gunmen hit the beach baby! Posing as sexy geek life guards! *drool* DISCLAIMER: Nope not mine, never will be. Get it, got it, good. AUTHORS NOTES: During these frying summer months how could you not possibly think of the Gunmens' nice tan bodies, surfing in the summer sun?! Gives ya shivers, huh! Actually this fic is a response to maidenjedi's fic challenge. Enjoy! Geek Watch by Ziptango An expensive black sports car skids to a stop on the dusty pavement. The disturbed dirt swirls around the license plate displaying 'MOTIVE8' until it settles loosely on the engraved lettering. The vehicle's unusual occupants shuffle around in tumult as the doors flutter open one by one. First a well-polished shoe steps out leisurely, followed by a pair of hefty leather combat boots, and some dingy disheveled sneakers. The driver's door slams shut as Jimmy strides to the truck and shuffles through his keys, opening it cheerfully. "You guys ready for this?" Jimmy's eyes glance upward at his three companions without moving his face from the truck's hidden equipment. He grinned mischievously at their expected reactions. "Jimmy, I was born ready!" Frohike rubs his gritty fingerless-gloves together delighted. He then flaps the collar of his Hawaiian tee shirt to cool off his gruffy whiskered face, "Whew, it's hot! But smell that fresh ocean air!" He blows his stomach twice its size while inhaling the crisp damp oxygen. "Yeah, it smells like raw fishsticks!" Langly wrinkles his nose while punching Frohike's bloated gut back in. "Well, let's get moving then," Byers sighs while reaching into the truck for a bright red life jacket. After Frohike and Langly finished squabbling, they help the other two unload the truck's most unlikely equipment. Well, you may find this stuff in an average human's truck, but in the Lone Gunmens' was an entirely different matter. "Alright, do we have all the life jackets? "Check." "Sunglasses?" "Check." "Scuba equipment, shark fin, surf board, stolen jet skis, and suntan lotion?" "Check, check, check, and check! It's all here, and we're ready to roll!" "Wait Frohike, did you apply the suntan lotion to your gruesome blinding-white backside?" Langly snickers while folding his arms across his thin chest. "Uh, check!" "You're such a liar, Doo-hike. You suck at it brutally, man." "Now Frohike, you don't want to become the helpless victim skin cancer in the mere future, do you?" Byers adds in his most fatherly tone. "Look guys, I put it on! Really! Before we left!" The three eye him suspiciously. "I believe you Frohike. Well, dudes, let's hit the waves!" Jimmy lets off a radiant puppy smile while wrapping his long arms around his less optimistic buddies. The four march awkwardly toward the shore preparing for their new mission and next Lone Gunmen headline. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Ok every one, the bathrooms are over there. Let's all change and get into position." Each Gunmen retreat for the bathroom building which only contained four stalls anyway. Dressing into their disguises took quite some time as you can imagine, since they occupied every stall, they made quite a line build up at the door. Byers and Jimmy emerge first, having the less complicated clothing to put on. The next people in line sprinted for the free stalls frantically. While the rest wait patiently doing the "potty dance". Byers apologizes quickly for taking so long while Jimmy tries to tug him out of the tiny building. Finally, Langly and Frohike come out, a bit surprised at how crowded the area had become. They waddle over to Byers and Jimmy outside where they could be alone. "Alright, now lets hurry and review the plan," Byers stated importantly," Frohike you go under that dock over there and dive....oh, and don't forget to put your shark fin on. "Check." Frohike states while pacing away from the huddled group to get in his assigned position. "Langly, our criminal is over there surfing. Try to make friends with him, and don't screw this up! Just try to stick with the suspect however possible until Frohike comes. If you have any problems, we'll be on the head set radios." "Yeah, yeah. We've gone over this a hundred damn times." Langly grabs his surf board and stomps away. Byers and Jimmy watch as he danced around on the sand while it fried his feet. Once the long-haired blonde had reached the shore, Byers and Jimmy took their own positions. "Let's go get our jet skis, Jimmy. We'll just sit and wait for those two to pull this trick off." "Oh man! This is gonna rock!" Byers rolls his eyes as they start toward the Life Guard building. Since the Gunmen had hacked into the Florida Coast Guard employee records and also borrowed some of the company's equipment and attire, the two walked freely among the people without any notice. In fact, Langly had hacked into it so well that they made sure Jimmy and Byers were the only "life guards" on duty that day. Finally reaching the jet skis, they sat on them patiently waiting for a response from Langly and Frohike. ////a few moments later, and a screen shift occurs\\\\ "Alligator in position!" Frohike whispered into his head set. "Roger, Tide and...uuuhh..," Byers pauses to gawk at Jimmy, "Squid are ready and waiting. How about you Blowfish?" "Almost there. The guy is just ignoring me. Man I wish I had taken some surfing lessons!" Frohike winces as he suddenly hears a lot of gurgling and sputtering. Ignoring it, he continues to duck tape his fake shark fin onto his scuba suit. Finally, getting it to stay on, he inches into the water behind the dock. "Holy Mother of Pina Colada! This is *cold* water!! I'm going under guys, see ya on the dark side." He takes his radio off and safely digs it in the sand near by, while also adjusting the mask on his face comfortably. His head disappears from sight into the depths. ////Screen Shift\\\\ Jimmy begins to twitch impatiently, squinting at Langly trying to surf in the distance. He then turns to Byers with his hand in a salute to shade his face from the scorching Florida sun. "Wow, Byers! Do you work out?" He gawks at Byer's arms sweating underneath his borrowed Coast Guard jacket. The bearded man returns a confused glance while fingering with his jet ski handle. "No, not really." "Well, do you like, play football or something?" "No Jimmy. Stop asking stupid questions. Does it look like I have time for football?" Byers snaps getting a little impatient with the former blind-football coach. Jimmy's goofy grin fades into forlorn frown. "Well, then what DO you do, Mr. Pansy? Huh?" "Yoga," Byers whispers going a shade of red. "Oh, awesome! I've always wanted to try that...that...you know, deep breathing stuff. In fact, I used to meditate thirty minutes before every football game!" Jimmy beamed proudly. "That's nice Jimmy. I'm happy for you." "Wanna see how I did it?" "No no, I think I'll pass." Byers sputtered, but he had already closed his eyes, linked his index-finger and thumb together properly outstretched, and started humming while crossing his legs underneath him on the jet ski seat. He sat like that awkwardly until the jet ski's bobbing knocked him off balance, and dove head first into the sand. "Jimmy! Are you alright?" Byers helps him up without dismounting his jet. The goof ball grins while spitting sand from his mouth. "I guess I need some work," he states gloomily, wiping more sand from his eyes and remounting the jet. "I got some tapes you can borrow when we get back home." "Really?! Oh, thanks Byers! You're a real pal!" "Yeah, yeah. Just don't tell........" Byers eyes grow wide as saucers when a distant shout interrupts their chitter chatter. "SSSSHHHHAAAARRRRKKKK!!!!!!!!" "That's our que from Langly!" Byers shouts while the two fake life guards start up their engines." People on shore began to scream, while the others in the water dashed for shore frantically. ////Screen Shift\\\\ Langly was bobbing on his pink surf board rental screaming bloody murder, while in the mean time trying not to drowned their suspect. Ben Hanson, the rapest criminal they are after, was floating head down on his surf board near by. Langly had properly stabbed him with that wicked sleeping shot they always used, while he surfed by. "SSSHHHARRRKKK!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! AAAGGGHHH!!!! HE'S ATTACKING MY LEG!!! HHHEEELLLPPPP!!!!!" Langly screamed again, as a shark fin drew closer. The fin stopped in place when it reached the blonde's board and tiny bubbles began surfacing from the murky depths. Finally, Frohike's head popped up from nowhere as the short man gasped for breath. "Man! Where the HELL have you been?! Here I am playing Jaws with Mr. Killer here, and you go for a skinny dip!" "Shut your damn pie hole Langly. Let's get the freako outta here so we can bail this joint." "Well, there he is. Help yourself to Sleeping Beauty, sharky. That kiss could be deadly." Frohike began placing a mask on Ben and hooking it up to is oxygen tank. "Ha, I'm more bark than bite when it comes to the ladies, punk." "I was referring to your breath, vulture vomit." "Alright blondy, Byers and Jimmy are coming," Frohike pauses to listen the jet ski engines humming growing louder, "So be a good mutt and play dead." "Yeah yeah. Tootaloo Doo-hike." Frohike winks and blows a kiss playfully trying to taunt the younger man. He then returns his oxygen mask and goggles to his face and heaves Ben over his shoulder. Langly watches the ripples and bubbles as the two dive down below. "Man, what a loser," Langly whispers to himself when his surf board tips over suddenly. He returns to the surface sputtering and coughing while waving his arms everywhere. "I'm gonna KILL you when we get home Doo-hike!!!" ////Scene Shift\\\\ Jimmy and Byers whizzed by all the desperate people reaching for them for help. But it still broke the two Gunmens' heart ignoring the children crying nearby. However, they had a mission to complete, so they continued zipping toward Langly as fast as the jets would allow them. Byers was the first to reach the "dead" blonde who was floating face up in the water. Jimmy zoomed up soon after to help Byers load Langly onto one of the his jet. "Kay Langly, just play dead and we'll handle everything else." His head bobbed slightly while leaning against Byers back. "Hey! You forgot to poke your blood thing!" Jimmy pointed to Langly's pants. "Oh, sorry," Langly whispered while peeking an eye open. He then pulled out a small pocket knife and stabbed his right leg, "there." Fake blood began to ooze down his leg, onto the jet ski, and it pooled into the water swirling. "All set! Let's head for shore!" The three zoomed back to shore with a large crowd gathering around. People were murming, pointing, and gawking at the ghastly incident before them. Jimmy laid Langly on the ground and began to do pretend CPR. While Byers ran to get the van, which had been at the beach now for a couple days, ready to load him. While Jimmy was doing mouth to mouth breathing, he noticed Langly face began to wrinkle and wrench up while he squirmed slightly under Jimmy's firm hold. "Outta the way! Excuse me! Watch out! We gotta dying man here!!" Byers returns with a stretcher. They heaved the "dieing man" onto the soft padding and run to the van. People followed still gawking. The VW bus roared to life as Byers started the engine and they sped away going about eighty miles an hour. At a safe distance away from the beach, Langy snapped awake suddenly and began spitting and coughing. "Jimmy! You didn't REALLY have to breath mouth to mouth!" "I thought I did good job! I'm gonna be an actor some day, huh!" "Uuggh, you dope! Now I have to get dentures and brush my teeth ten times a day!" "Now Langly," Byers glared at him through the mirror as if he was his father. The van pulled off to the side to another beach. They had agreed to meet Frohike here by the rocks where people had abandon the area. They walked leisurely to the shore and sat down in the sand waiting for Frohike to emerge from the depths. "Man, I gotta take a leak. All that blood and guts stuff makes your bladder explode!" Langly left the two to find the nearest bush. Jimmy and Byers fell into a peaceful daze while staring at the horizonless sunset. The breeze ruffled their hair and clothes slightly. "Hey Byers," Jimmy broke the silence. "Yeah." "Do you have any regrets?" "Well, some. You?" the bearded man whispered gazing at the wedding band on his finger in which Susanne Modeski gave him. "No. Not a one," he smiled genuinely at his best friend. Langly broke the "Gunmen bonding moment" as he stomped back, trying to get his zipper unstuck. He plopped down next to Byers, now trying to see what the two were staring at. "How about you, Langly?" "What?" "Do you have any regrets in your life?" "Only you Jimmy," Langly shook his head calmly leaning back on his hands behind him while occasionally wiping some fake blood away. The three sat silently for a few moments, when splashing sounds were heard coming from a distance. Frohike emerged suddenly, dragging the rapist behind him in the water. "Land ho!" Frohike waved to them for help. They all greeted him on shore while helping the troll looking man out of his scuba stuff. "I don't think I'll be watching Bay Watch anytime soon," Frohike grumbled, "Although it was definatly hotty overload on there!" "Yeah, why tune into Bay Watch when you have.....well, Geek Watch right here in real life!" The three glared at Jimmy dully for his dumb but some what true remark. They hauled the unconscious criminal to the van and drove to the police station, everyone singing the Little Mermaid theme song (Although changing a few of the words) happily as the Lone Gunmen rode away into the sliver left of the sunset with a money reward to be retrieved the ultimate headline of the month . *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Like it? Hate it? Send feedback to: ziptango@hotmail.com (you know you want to)