Title: Cuts Like A Knife
Author: Rhiannon Langly (fmacgirl@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Spoilers: Let's say you should read the Darkness
Within stuff
first, OK?  This takes place after "Freezing Air."
Archive: Countermeasures, my site, other places must
mail me.
Feedback: Sure.
Disclaimer: Even with an AXED show, Langly belongs to
1013 Productions.
Summary: The first in a series of looks into Langly's
mind via his personal journal.  Hell, EVERYBODY's journaling
these days.

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journal: RLcompgod@[encrypted].com
password: *********

May 3

Damn it all.

I don't think I've ever been this fucking miserable in
my entire life.  I don't want to work, I don't want to talk, I
don't want to RP, and I don't want to sleep.

That is, if I could sleep. 

My mind refreshes memories that I'd rather forget. 
One lousy night, one DAY, 24 fucking hours.  (No pun intended.)
It's almost enough to make me want to find the nearest
brick wall and smash my head upon it.

All of it building up, all the anger and the sadness,
until I want to just punch something.  The guys won't come
near me when I'm like that.  I really don't blame them.

I wonder if Mel ever thought that she could have a
normal life again.  If she could settle down and have kids in a
nice house with a picket fence, writing all day, then coming home
to her family.

To her husband...who could have been me.

Then again, I wouldn't accept a settled life back in
society.

I'll always be doing this job, I think.

That isn't the most important thing.

Shit, I don't know how to say this.

They always say that the first time sucks.

This didn't.  Not at all.  It's only now that I'm
having regrets.

She...I wanted more than just a good fuck.  I wanted
*love.*

Did I have that from her?  I don't know.

Damn it, I don't know.  And that's what hurts the
most.  It wasn't being used, it was her pretending to love me. 
She lied.

And I gave myself for *that.*

The scary thing is that she's coming back.  And I
don't want to face her, with her eyes like knives, my first lover,
my Delilah. 

And I'll have to ask her why, because it hurts so much
now.  I have to, even though it will cut me to shreds to do it
in shame. 

Because the waiting now is hell.

I need sleep.

-R

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FIN
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Author's Notes: Delilah is the biblical lover and
betrayer of Samson, who sells him to his enemies by cutting his
hair and taking away his strength...a fact that I didn't
remember until I wrote the name.
Langly's enemies are not solid humans, but loneliness,
pain, and rage.  He must now face them alone.
Written in a burst of inspiration during class.
I'll be back...look for another journal entry within
the next few weeks.
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-Rhi
http://www.envy.nu/langlified